Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

NEW THINGS

It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh s--t."

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN

We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.

We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation.

Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!

The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!

ATTENHUT!!!

After 45 years in the military, most of it in charge of an artillery division, the General finally retired. He moped around the house for days until his wife, tired of hearing his complaints, told him to get a hobby. He chose golf. Never having golfed before, he called his former aide who happened to be an avid golfer. As they stepped up to the tee on the first hole, a beautiful par four of 425 yards with a slight dogleg right, the aide explained to the General that he had to hit the ball to the flag.

The General lined up his shot, took a powerful swing and knocked the ball to just 2 inches from the cup. The aide was amazed.

As they left the teeing ground towards the green, the aide remarked how great the shot was, it "almost" went in the hole.

"Almost?" said the General. "What do you mean?"

"Well," explained the aide, "the object is to get the ball INTO the hole in as few strokes as possible."

Staring at the aide in disgust, the General screamed "Why, the hell didn't you tell me that before!!??"

Golf Quotes

Gimme:  An agreement between two losers who can't putt.
Jim Bishop

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
Bruce Lansky

Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation.
Robert E. Zorn

Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game. Bruce Lansky

Golf is game in which you yell "fore", shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey

There is no surer or more painful way to learn a rule than to be penalized once for breaking it. Tom Watson

Some golfers fantasize about playing in a foursome with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and Sam Snead.  The way I hit I'd rather play in a foursome with Helen Keller, Ray Charles, and Stevie Wonder.
Bruce Lansky

On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating.  The other 20 percent lied. Bruce Lansky

Vice President Spiro Agnew can't cheat on his score - because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.
Bob Hope

I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game.  It is called an eraser.
Arnold Palmer

You don't know what pressure is until you play for 5 bucks with only 2 bucks in your pocket.
Lee Trevino

The main problem with keeping your eye on the ball is you have to take your eye off your opponent.
Bruce Lansky

My worst day on the golf course still beats my best day in the office.
John Hallisey

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
Buddy Hackett

Someone once told me that there is more to like than golf.  I think it was my ex-wife.
Bruce Lansky

A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut.  They are supposed to get married next Saturday…but only if it rains.
Cindy Garner

SINGLE VS. FAT

A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.

The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.

The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.

A group of golfers were searching for one of there golf balls out in the deep rough.

After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream, "You liar! I have your ball in my pocket!"

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

HAVING A BAD DAY?

Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.

Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire. Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.

At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"

Joe looked up and said "What time?"

Q: Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?

A: Yea, they said it was a hole in Juan.

PHEW!!!

A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas."

He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.

The doctor says,”H’m, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.

"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.

"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.

The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.

EXPENSIVE BALLS

Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well.

This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, " Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here ".

Well Caddy, How do you like my game?

Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.

DUUHH??

One day two software engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.

A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess out. The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and then the ball in the hole. He turned to the two engineers in disgust and asked, "Okay. Which of you is playing the white ball and which is playing the orange ball?"

I'm sorry to not tee off but my Doctor's told me I can't play golf!

Oh, so he's played with you too, Sir!

NEED PRACTICE?

A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this?"

"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."

A FUNNY JOKE

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.

STILL DRUNK

Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.

The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!

His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."

"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"

OUCH!!

Said to a few of my friends that are patient enough for me to play a round with them.

"I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"

"oh yeah?"

"yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."

Q: Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?

A: Just in case they had a hole in one.

LET US PLAY

Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.

Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.

Manager: Of course we would, sir.

Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.

TOOTHACHE

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Golf Laws

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

PRAYING PRIEST

A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"

The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to his a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

RABBI

Rabbi Malcolm invited the Pope to play golf. Since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell Rabbi Malcolm you’re sick or something." Honored by his Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent him on the links. John Paul, again with advice from his staff, made him a cardinal just in case Rabbi Malcolm was to get suspicious. When Nicklaus returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came in second," was the reply. "You mean to tell me Malcolm beat you?" John Paul yelled. "No your Holiness, said Jack. "Rabbi Woods did."

GOLF ON SUNDAY

After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?'

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I won't."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

SIGN OF SUCCESS

A rabbi and a priest go golfing with the club pro and his friend. Before the friend gets up to hit the ball, he crosses himself. With that the rabbi leans over to the priest to ask,

"What does that mean?"

To which the priest replied, "Not a damn thing if he can't play!"

DON’T BET ON IT

A minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.

The member asked, "What's your handicap?"

The minister replied, "I'm a twelve."

The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?"

The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house.

As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."

The member said, "'I'd like to do that."

Then the minister added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd like to marry them."

THE GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away (For those unaccustomed to golf, this is the world's most exciting thing to a golfer - like winning the Worlds Cup by yourself) A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

ANOTHER GOLF JOKE

Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.

Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water.

Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....

Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"

Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green. water;

"I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"

"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.

A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"

 

Click Below For More Golf Jokes!
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