GOLF HUMOR (5)

Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

Golf Lesson 101

Me wife says to me one day "Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are playin'?"

So I go next door and ask my neighbor "Can you teach me to play golf?"

He: "Sure. Have you got some balls and a club?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll Tee-off."

Me: "Tee-off? What's this Tee-off?"

He: "Oh, its just a golf term and we'll Tee-off right next to the clubhouse."

Me: "Look, you Tee-off where ever you want to but I'll Tee-off in private if you don't mind."

He: "(chuckle) No no, a Tee's that little thing about the size of your little finger."

Me: (them damn women been talk'n again)

He: "Look, the first thing you do is stick your Tee in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

Me: "Oh, this is sit down game?"

He: "No, you're standing up when you put your ball on the Tee."

Me: "Isn't that strechin' things a bit far?"

He: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?"

Me: "?.....of course. Why?"

He: "Zippered bag or velcro?"

Me: "?...........neither."

He: "Oh, well how do you hold your club?"

Me: "Two fingers."

He: "No, no. That's not right. Look, let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing."

Me: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind."

He: "O.K., look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder..."

Me: "No, no, that's my brother Jimmy you're thinking' of."

He: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."

Me: "I can well believe that."

He: "Then when your on the green . . ."

Me: "What's the green thing?"

He: "Ah, thats where the hole is."

Me: "You color blind?"

He: "No, why?"

He: "...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter..."

Me: "What's a putter?"

He: "The smallest club made"

M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).

He: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."

Me: "You mean the putter?"

He: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."

Me: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talkin' about, because I've seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon."

He: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."

Me: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I'm in the 18th one?"

He: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."

Me: "Sheeez!"

The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.

"The Perfect Day!"

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
6:40 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.
7:00 Limo arrives.
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).
14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.
16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked Kathy Ireland.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch CNN news flash
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963) 20 oz.New York steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart--dog leaves room.
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.

Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!

ALL ALONE

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years.

One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."!

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!"

With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: ”Oh, thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

TEACH ME

This Fellow's wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf.

Finally, one morning he relented. Off they go.

First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.

Husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing."

A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clipped a tree, sideswiped the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.

Husband looks at this, and says "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."

You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment. Normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the CLUB in the hole and keep the balls out.

For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict shaft length so not to damage the hole(s).

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be their private course.

Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.

Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find an alternate means of play when this occurs.

Players are strongly encouraged to obtain permission before playing the Back Nine.

Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a faster pace, at least temporarily, at the owners request.

It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

A LOSS FOR WORDS

A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.

While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't."

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

ZIP UP

Golf pro, giving lessons to a young lady, reached around from behind to help her with her swing. Just then, he looked down and realized his fly was open. Quickly zipping it up, he unfortunately caught her skirt in his zipper. Unable to get it loose, the two of them started walking toward the club house to get a pair of pliers. Suddenly, a big black dog came out of the bushes and threw a bucket of water on them.

This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!

This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!

STRANDED

A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years. "Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch.

"That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims.

"Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar. "This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air.

As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?" "Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"

ONE GOOD TURN

A couple had a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day."

"I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day."

"That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."

GOING SHOPPING

A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.

After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.

He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.

When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."

Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf ball.

Doctor asks her where she got hit.

She says it was between the first and second hole.

Doctor says ``well it doesn't give me much room to work on - does it?''

STUDY HARDER

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

HOW ABOUT SOME KNICKERS!

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.

Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."

With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"

Wife Left Me

Chip called his friend in tears.

"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Chip. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

Golf Widow

A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro.

They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway!

Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."

There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.

A LIKELY STORY

A golfer returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the golf course.

"I was driving home and I saw a car stopped on the side of the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home okay, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we were in her bed, having sex. Finally, I realized how late it was and left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late.

Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?

A: It's still your turn!

Die-Hard Golfer #2

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”

 
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