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Note: To the best of
our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in
the public domain.
POOR WIFE
A guy gets a call from the
coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. "We were on
the third hole'' the widower relates.
"My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the
men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and
the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God
only knows where the ball wound up.''
The coroner replies "That explains the injury to her head, but what
about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?'' "Oh'' says the man
"that was my provisional.''
Q: Do you know why there
are 18 holes on a golf course?
A: Because that's how long
it took the Scots who invented the game to finish there bottle of whiskey!
MURDER 101
A police officer retired,
and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly
irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or
5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.
This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home
at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him
have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that
retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up
with it anymore.
Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head
with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.
Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over
as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when
he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully
wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told
him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective
very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how
he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it
anymore.
"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A
4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective
notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the
Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6
times?"
"I'll give you a 5" says the Detective.
Amateur: ``How do you get
so much backspin?''
Pro: ``Before I answer
that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''
Amateur: ``About 130.''
Pro: ``Then why in the
world would you want the ball to spin *back*?''
I DREAM OF JEANNIE
A husband and wife were out
enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was
lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to
slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much
to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it
into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and
drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The
husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they
saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the
vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so
grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two
wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for
the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income
of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with
your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I
have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife
agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife,
"How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie
stuff?"
Golf Quotes
One of the advantages
bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
Don Carter, pro bowler
Golf and sex are the only
things you can enjoy without being good at it.
Jimmy Demaret
My physchiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings
of euphoria I experience from time to time.
Bruce Lansky
Have you ever notices what golf spells backwards?
Al Bolska
We learn so many things from golf- how to suffer, for instance.
Bruce Lansky
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin
I've had a good day when I
don't fall out of the cart.
Buddy Hackett
I know I am getting better
at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
Gerald Ford
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I
did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron
The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
Bruce Lansky
If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes
time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime
finding out about the game before they give up
Stephen Baker
In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a
bush….
Gerry Cheevers
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see
him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
Nobody ever looked up and
saw a good shot.
Don Herold
I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the
three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing.
1) Keep your head down. 2)
Follow through. 3) Be born with money.
P. J. O'Rourke
The more I practice, the luckier I get.
Gary Player
I used to go to the driving
range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the driving
range to practice slicing without swearing.
Bruce Lansky
What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
Walter Hagen
You make a lot of money in
this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that
neither of their husbands' work.
Lee Trevino
My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling
people I taught her how to play golf.
Bruce Lansky
COFFEE, GOLF OR ME?
A woman is cleaning out her
attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls
and $250.00.
When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that
every time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.
She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is
doing so she thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf
balls."
She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll
forgive you. However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.
Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every
time I had collected a dozen balls I would sell them."
My uncle, who has golfed
all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and
Living Fine!
WADDLE ON....
During our weekly Lamaze
class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting
strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives.
From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be
okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
An amateur golfer is one
who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after
swinging.
DEDICATED??
A man playing as a single
at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome
finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.
He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over
20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her
memory.
The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly
someone would have been willing to take her spot. "I thought so
too," he replied, "but they all wanted to go to the
funeral."
Please stop checking you
watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!
This isn't a watch, Sir,
its a compass!
TRADE OFF
A golfer ran into an old
buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their
swings, and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the
wife the other day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy!
The secret of good golf is
to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
Doctor's Problem
A lady goes to a doctor and
says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf ball.
The doctor asks her where she got hit.
She says it was between the first and second hole.
Doctor says "well it doesn't give me much room to work on, does
it?"
Elle of a shot
Elle Mc Pherson has taken
up golf and has been trying to break 100 but can't. She's had 100, 101,102
but still can't crack the ton. One day she turns up at her local course
and asks three guys teeing off if she can join in. These guys are wrapped
and agree immediately. She tells them of her desire to break 100 and one
of the guys says, "Well, we are three handy players and we'll give
you a few tips on the way around and see what happens."
After 17 holes, Elle is at 95 and only a short par 4 lies between her and
her dream. After 3 shots she lies only 12 inches from the cup. Elle turns
to the 3 guys and says, "OK, I only need this putt to break 100 and
you guys have been giving me great tips all day. The guy who gives me the
best tip and helps me get this putt, I will make wild passionate love to
them right here, right now! This will not be any average roll in the hay,
this will be earth shattering, mind blowing knee trembling oh my god
unbelievable love making session ever. You will be telling your children
about this and they in turn will tell their's and their grandchildren will
still be telling their grandchildren long after you have gone!"
These 3 guys get a little nervy as the prize on offer is awesome and Elle
turns to the first guy and asks, "What's your tip?" He replies,
"It's a little left to right breaker, just aim at that leaf and let
the ball die into the cup."
"OK," Elle says and turns to the second guy and asks,
"What's your tip?"
He has to think of something better so he tells her, "Don't give the
hole away, you will never forgive yourself if you come up short, just hit
it firm at the back of the hole!" "OK," she says as she
takes this advice on board and turns to the third guy who, by this time,
is stark naked and in an obvious state of excitement. Elle shrieks
"What are you doing?” "Pick it up," he says, "It's a
gimme!
Golf: a game in which the
ball usually lies very poorly, but the player well.
A Woman Trying To Play
Golf
A woman tries her skill at
golf. Her first shot ends up deep in the rough. While searching for the
ball, she gets a horrible case of poison ivy. After several weeks of
recovery, she gives it another try, and again her first shot ends up in
the rough. This time, while looking for the ball, she steps on a sharp,
metal object and requires several stitches.
Refusing to give up, she goes back out the next day. Once again, her first
shot sails off into the rough. While digging around for her ball, she gets
stung by a wasp. Furious, she storms back to the club house, where she
vows never to play the game again.
The golf pro, upon hearing her announcement, tries to offer comfort.
"Don't you think you're over-reacting?" he asks.
"Every time I hit the ball, it goes in the rough, and then something
terrible happens!" she shouts.
"I'll bet there's something in your technique that I could change
with a few suggestions and you'd be fine", he consoles her.
"Oh yeah? Well I just got stung by a wasp! What could you possibly
say that could have prevented that?" she asks angrily.
"Where did you get stung?" he inquires.
"Between the first and second holes", she snaps.
"See there", he responds, "Your stance is too wide."
Caddy, Do you think my game
is improving?
Oh yes, Sir! You miss the
ball much closer than you used to!
SHADES OF GREEN
There was a foursome of
ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long.
Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway .. a streaker ran across
the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I
think I know that guy .. isn't that Dick Green?"
"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the
grass!"
WALKING IS GOOD!
The room was full of
pregnant women and their partners,
and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was
teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with
informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at
this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced,
"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle
of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
TWO BLONDES WITH IRISH
CADDIES
Two blond golfers in
Ireland were on a very foggy par 3. They could see the top of the flag but
not the green. Not to worry, their caddies said they will watch, so, off
they went. When they reached the green and looked around they found one
ball 2 feet from the hole, the other in the hole.
The Caddies asked what ball they were using as they were unsure which one
had holed out, both said they were using Top-Flite 2 balls. All decided
the only way to find a solution was to talk to the Pro. After hearing the
story, seeing the balls, congratulating them for their great shots, he
asked the Caddies "OK, now which of them was using the orange
ball?".
Two long time golfers were
standing over looking the river.
One golfer looked to the
other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."
SEX TALK
Two women are playing golf
when one of them asks the other, "Do you and your husband have mutual
climax?"
The other woman replies, "No, I think we have State Farm."
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