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GOLF HUMOR (3)

Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

DAMN IíM GOOD

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer.

At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Low Eighties

"I play golf in the low eighties," the old man was telling one of the youngsters at his club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the old man, "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Fast Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands?

A: Pebble Beach Golf Links.

GO FOR IT

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Did you kill her?"

"Yes, he replied."

"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?"

"Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."


Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.


BAD DAY ON THE COURSE

One day, as I was playing the fairway on the 15th hole of my local course, I watched as the man, on the fairway running parallel to mine, hit several balls into a water hazard. In frustration he eventually tossed his club into the water quickly followed by bag and the rest of his clubs. He stormed off the course only to return a few minutes later.

He walked into the water, retrieved his bag, removed his car keys and threw the bag back in.

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?

A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Golf But Aren't

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.

For The Golfers Out There

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I/m still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt?" says Nicklaus.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

Stevie says: "Well, I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

FINDERS KEEPERS

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for youto find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."

Ancient Man/Modern Man

When ancient man used to yell and scream and shriek and beat on the ground with sticks they called it witchcraft.

When modern man yells and screams and shrieks and beats on the ground with sticks, they call it golf!

CONCENTRATION After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD

A man was looking for a new caddie one day when his friend said " I know a great caddie - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk"

"OK then " said the man "tell him I'm playing again in a week. "

The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddie "did you see where it went"

The caddie then said "yes"

"OK then where is it?"

The caddie replied "I forgot."

OLDIE BUT GOODIE

When a big thunder storm comes when I am out playing golf, most on the course run for cover. I just take out my 1 iron and stand in the middle of the fairway with the club held high over my head and wait for the storm to pass. I do not fear the lighting because I know not even GOD can hit a 1 iron.

PALS

Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and sunken stones. The owner of the ball ask his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here, it's too rough"

" No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!"

" But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel."

" Tough, but no favors, you play from where you lie."

The poor chap stops arguing and take his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.

" My God, what a shot!... which club did you use?" " Your five iron..."

ANOTHER JOKE

Q: Did you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?

A: Monica Lewinski... OJ Simpson... Ted Kennedy... & Bill Clinton

Why???

Monica is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water...& Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.

Q: What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?

A: In New york they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!" In Canada they say "Get off the green, eeehhh."

BARRIERS BETWEEN RACES

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball. The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!

GIVE ME A BREAK!

Tiger Woods went to play at a course in Alabama, after missing the cut in Montreal. He went into the pro shop and asked the starter if he could play as a guest. "Sorry" said the starter, "but this club is for white boys only, but there is another club you can play at down the road. It's only a Driver and a 3-Wood away". "Hang on a minute" said Woods "don't you know who I am?" "Nope, who are you?" said the starter "I am Tiger Woods" "Well in that case" said the starter, "It's only a Driver and an 8-Iron.

I KNEW THAT!

A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can. The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about 2 inches from the hole. As they walked up to the green the Pro said "Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole. The man said " Why didn't you say that when we were on the tee".

OH NOOOOOO!

An ardent golfer visited the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortune teller replied: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

"What's the good news?", asked the golfer.

"The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are the most beautiful you could imagine!"

Amazed, the golfer asked "How could there be any bad news with that?"

The fortune teller said: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

MANíS BEST FRIEND

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"

"Somersaults," says the man.

"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"

"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said from the ground, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell, 'fore'."

"I'll take it!", said the attorney.

 
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