Note: To the best of
our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is
in the public domain.
DEALS WHILE GOLFING!
A golfer is in a
competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next
putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a
fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and
that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a
good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says,
"Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The
golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you
be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and
says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you
don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex
life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm
Father O'Malley."
“RABBI TIGER
WOODS”
“The Pope met with his
cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of
Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr..
Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic
faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held
a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a
cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said.
"But" he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an
American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a
cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal
representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll
also win the match!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call
was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day
after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of
the match. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your
Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first,
Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I
don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific
rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I
must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my
irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all
due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "What's the bad
news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger
Woods by three strokes."
HOLE IN ONE
Moses, Jesus and a friend
came down to Earth one day to play golf. Moses led off on the first hole
and hit a mighty blow. Unfortunately, it began to slice around to the
right and was headed straight for a small lake.
Seeing his ball lake-bound Moses made a gesture, the water parted, the
ball took a huge bounce from the dry lake bed and rolled up on to the
fairway. Jesus played next and hit a similar shot. Instead of parting
the waters as the slice approached, however, Jesus gestured and the ball
bounced happily on the water's surface and rolled along and up on the
fairway.
The third golfer then took his driver in hand and hit a mighty blow.
Unfortunately, however, this one too began to curl off to the right,
towards the dreaded lake.
Just before the ball was to splash into the water an eagle came
screaming out of the sky and seized the ball in its talons. As it was
flying towards the shore the ball came loose and fell towards the water.
Fortunately, as the ball once more seemed sure to reach a watery grave a
big turtle emerged from the depths and the ball careened off his shell
and onto the fairway. A gray squirrel seized the ball and ran to the
green where he dropped it a foot from the cup. Momentum carried the ball
in for a hole in one!
On seeing this performance, Jesus turned to Moses and said, "I hate
playing golf with Dad. He's always showing off!
THE HOLY THREE
Jesus, Moses and God were
out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew
straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a
couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and
landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God. God took a few
practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the
rough.
Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and
started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed
the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of
lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind
dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said:
"Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"
GOLFERS IN HEAVEN
Three golfers are
standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever
cheated while playing golf with their wives.
The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and
admitted him to heaven.
The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter
gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said
"For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the
time she beat me but I never cheated ."
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven. A week
later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man
was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he
had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she
was driving a skateboard".
I was in the sand so much
I saw Yassir Arafat twice!
THE ALMIGHTY “F”
WORD
This man goes to
confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies
that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to
watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the
"F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to
church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I
duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions,
"No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got
a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I
could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried
up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the
squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you
swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the
dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of
the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking
putt!!!"
POPE’S PLAY TOO
The Pope met with the
Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish
nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres
wants to determine who are superior - Jews or Catholics - by challenging
you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his
life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America
and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon
Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course,
Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus
reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in
second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
HEY PRIEST!
There is a guy who is
playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy
misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The
priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on
the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God
dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use
vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down
with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God
dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning
comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of
the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
THREE WISE MEN
Two pastors, one Catholic
and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day
on the course. The group ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf
and weren't gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this
agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient,
each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who
shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us
who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm
sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts
and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh
forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor
souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at
night!?"
THE DEVIL MADE ME DO
IT
God and the devil decided
to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew
honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split
the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight
out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced madly off one tree then
another and then miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the
fairway.
Instead of landing safely in the fairway, however, the ball landed
square on the back of a dove flying by. The dove carried the ball toward
the green, 400 yards away. Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the
dove's back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner had
the ball plopped into the water when a giant water spout arose and
lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an
ace. The devil shook his head disgustedly and asked, "Do you want
to play golf or do you want to screw around?"
In primitive society,
when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called
witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO
GEORGIA
An ardent golfer dies and
finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived
an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, "St.
Peter, where is the golf course?"
"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one
thing we don't have here."
The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any
better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has
already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.
"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest
tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta,
Georgia."
The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has
ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven,
so he signs up for the full package.
"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some
clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."
"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine
course like this?"
"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of
it."
ALL ALONE
One Sunday, St. Peter and
God were up in heaven having coffee and bagels and just shooting the
breeze, when St. Peter saw a priest down on one of Earth's golf courses.
He told God about this blasphemy, and God told St. Peter that the priest
would be duly punished.
With St. Peter looking over his shoulder, God caught the priest's drive
at the 10th hole and dropped it straight into the hole. "That
wasn't much of a punishment," said St. Peter. "He just made a
hole-in-one!" God laughed. "Yeah, but who's he gonna
tell?"
THE 3 NUNS
A man wants to play golf,
but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with
3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the
man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta
watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the
first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir!
You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes
down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into
the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see
that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the
nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord.
Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball
slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of
bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and
mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather
amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said.
But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"
NO DEALS!
Joe and his priest are
playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is
giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he
fills in the scorecard from the last hole.
Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up
Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at
my funeral."
The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying,
"Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."
ONCE A GOLFER, ALWAYS
A GOLFER
A golfer hit his drive on
the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down,
however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods.
He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron
which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the
temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked
at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that
correct?""Yes, I am," he replied. St. Peter then said,
"Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You
bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
ST. PETER ASKS
A golfer arrives in
heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. "We usually don't get
golfers here you know, they swear too much," he says to the golfer.
"I've only taken the Lord's name in vain once, Sir," the
golfer replies.
"Tell me about it," St. Peter says.
"Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the
woods."
"And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter
asks.
"No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the
fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap."
"And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter
asks again.
"No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell
twenty yards short of the green."
"And then you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks
impatiently.
"No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup."
To this St. Peter exclaims, "Godammit. Don't tell me you missed a
six-inch putt."
The Dickens
A couple of women were
playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed
Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me
to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain
if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great."
He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like the dickens!".
Golf Quotes
Golf is war. And
like all wars, if you're not looking to win, you probably shouldn't show
up.
Capt. Bruce Warren Ollstein
Good players have the power to think while they are competing.
Most golfers are not thinking even when they believe they are.
They are only worrying.
Harvey Penick
One lesson you better
learn if you want to be in politics is that you never go out on a golf
curse and beat the President.
Lyndon B. Johnson
I catch fish in water that is more shallow than the rough here.
Phil Blackmar
In other games you get another chance. In baseball you get three
cracks at it; in tennis you lose only one point. But in golf the
loss of one shot has been responsible for the loss of heart.
Tommy Armour
The friends you make on the golf course are the friends you make for
life.
Jessica Anderson Valentine
Golf is a game where the ball always lies poorly and the player always
lies well.
Anonymous
The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims that he plays the
game merely for exercise.
Tommy Bolt
Like a lot of fellows on the Senior Tour, I have a furniture problem.
My chest has fallen into my drawers.
Billy Casper
A golf course is the epitome of all that is purely transitory in the
universe, a space not to dwell in, but to get over as quickly as
possible.
Jean Giraudoux
Golf is not just
exercise; it is an adventure, a romance…a Shakespeare play in which
disaster and comedy are intertwined and you have to live with the
consequences.
Harold Segall
Golf does strange things
to other people too. It makes liars out of honest men, cheats out
of altruists, cowards out of brave men, and fools out of everybody.
Milton Gross
A golf ball simply cannot find the hold by itself. Even if it
could, the ball would never do so willingly, after the hatred and
hammering you've heaped on it to get it to the green.
Dick Brooks
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
Ben Hogan
Golf is a game that creates emotions that sometimes cannot be sustained
with the club still in one hand.
Bobby Jones
Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent
is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship,
camaraderie, cussedness, and conversation.
The only shots you can be
dead sure of are those you've had already.
Alexander Revell
Golf is an awkward set of bodily
contortions designed to produce a graceful result.
Slow Golf
Two men were having an
awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them
managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They
didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll
walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those
women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go
talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as
his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said:
"Small world."
Q: Where can you find 100
doctors all at the same place on any given day?
A: "A golf
course!!"
Ahem!
Q: What does a woman do
with her asshole before sex?
