Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

"Anyone who says you can't have a lot of fun golfing hasn't golfed with my husband," one wife said to another.
"Does he have a lot of fun?"
"I don't mean him," she said. "I mean whoever's watching him."

Dr. Zemlit, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Jones," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here." The patient continued, "People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to playing golf, since I was pretty good at it. Dr. Zemlit nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?" "11 sir" said the caddy. "Good, you'll do perfectly."

A golfer from the the PGA Tour dies and goes to Hell. While down there the Devil notices that the golfer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauge and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the golfer and ask why he's so happy. The golfer says, "The temperature is just like Florida in March." The devil isn't happy with the golfer's answer and decides to "get" him, so he goes over to his controls and turns up the temperature to 105 degrees and the humidity to 90%. Afterwards he goes looking for the golfer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil asks the golfer, again, why he's so happy. The golfer replies, "This is even better, it's like playing the Australian open during December." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the golfer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what that golfer is up too!" he says as he goes looking for him. He finds the golfer sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out and asks the golfer why he's so happy. The golfer replies, "This is great, it's just like playing in the U.S. Open!" The Devil, angrily walking away, says to himself, "That's it! I'll get this golfer!" He goes over to his controls and turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero! Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over. "Let's see what that golfer has to say about this!" the Devil says to himself. He looks around and finds the golfer jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "CARL JOHNSON HAS WON THE BRITISH OPEN!"

More Golf Rules!

You decide what par is on each hole.

No more than twelve in a foursome.

No more than six carts per foursome.

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit said tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from that point. Preferably atop a firm tuft of grass.

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is somewhere on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else. Therefore it becomes a stolen ball. You should not compound the felony by charging yourself with a penalty stroke.

If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in atmosphere without support must drop. The laws of gravity supercede the laws of golf.

The same thing holds for a ball that stops at the brink of a hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law!

Same rule applies to a ball that rims a cup. A ball moving sideways defies the law of physics.

Office Philosophy on Golf (and other lesser "sport" activities)

If you are participating in an office "sporting" event you are not expected to take vacation time. Go, have fun, blow off some steam, build some camaraderie, and when you come back work really hard. You are invited to fully participate in, or initiate and lead, any routine and appropriate sport activity for purposes of team building, health, and fitness. Since my "experience" is with golf I'll restrict my comments to that pursuit.

a. Golf as a Sport: aka ethical golf; played exactly according to PGA rules with the addition that any disparaging statement about someone enjoying golf as a game earns a one stroke penalty.*

b. Golf as a Game: played in accordance with Double Winter Rules** (restated here for the uninformed) -

(1) Each golfer receives 2 mulligans, to be taken anywhere except in a sand trap or on the green, for every nine holes played without penalty, unless the golfer needs more.

(2) Whenever not on the green or in a sand trap the golfer may move the ball 2 club head lengths, unless really in trouble in which case the golfer may move the ball two club lengths, in any direction.

(3) A lost ball is its own penalty (usually $1.50).

*This is a one-stroke penalty per hole; but once earned on the hole further ridicule during that hole is for free.

**Other than the rule against ridiculing. Ridiculing is allowed unless offered by someone playing ethical golf.

There were two couples who played golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Nesmith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water. Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist that could be of help in this situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.

During the sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

Six months pass and a golfer at the club asked "Whatever happened to Mrs. Nesmith? She hasn't been playing golf at the club for almost four months now." The golfer was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Nesmith had drowned at the par four sixth!

After her game of golf a lady player offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully accepted, and when they arrived at her house he carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.

She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled, but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.

Well it was too much for the poor man, and he asked her "Lady, what is going on? First you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isn't enough, you invite me to make love to you and we have a terrific time together. Now you want to pay me?! What IS this, anyway?" so she explained proudly: "Well, you know Christmas is coming, and I told my husband I wanted to do something nice for my caddy who is so faithful and helped me so much this year.

My husband said, 'Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!'... the lunch was my idea!

A young golfer thought he could get in 9 holes after work. Just as he was going to tee off an 80 year old man approached and asked if he could join him. The young man didn't want to be rude, so he said sure. They got to the 7th hole and the young golfer was directly behind a large tree and didn't know which side to shoot from; the old golfer said, "When I was young I just went right over the top of the tree". So the young man did just that and his ball hit the tree and dropped right down in front of him. He said, "That sure didn't work". The old golfer said," Well when I did it the tree was only 6 feet tall".

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

A little old lady owned a home beside the fifth fairway, and stray golf balls were always landing in her back yard. Instead of getting angry, she removed the fence along the boundary, invited the golfers onto her property, showed them where their ball was located, and encouraged them to take their next shot from that spot. Even when they missed and dug deep divots in her lawn, she would tell them to go ahead and take another swing.

A visitor, after witnessing her overly courteous behavior, couldn't help but comment. "How come you let them tear up your yard like that?" the visitor asked, "and not only that, you encourage them."

"I'm not as courteous as you think," the old lady replied. "I'm planning on turning my yard into a garden, and I figure within another month they'll have it plowed for me."

A boss happened by the local golf course and saw one of his absentee employees about to drive his ball off the first tee. "How are you doing Don?" he said to the embarrassed worker. The then turned to the other man who was playing with him and said, "And you must be Don's grandmother. Tell me, are you feeling better?"

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'p-u-t'
or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor.

"'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied.
"'P-u-t' means to place a thing where you want it. And 'P-u-t-t' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

A golfer was being forced to listen to this guy brag about his golf game when he was hit by a golf ball and knocked unconscious. When he came to, he stammered, "What happened?" "I was just telling you about my game when you were hit by a ball," the braggart said, and then he continued his story. The injured golfer immediately clasped his hands. "What are you doing?" the braggart asked. "Praying for another golf ball," the golfer replied.

This fellow's wife constantly berated him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."