Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream is in the public domain.
"Anyone who says you can't have a lot
of fun golfing hasn't golfed with my husband," one wife said to
Dr. Zemlit, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Jones," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But, on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here." The patient continued, "People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to playing golf, since I was pretty good at it. Dr. Zemlit nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
The golfer called one of the caddies and said, "I want a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?" "11 sir" said the caddy. "Good, you'll do perfectly."
A golfer from the the PGA Tour dies and goes to Hell. While down there the Devil notices that the golfer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauge and sees that it's 95 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the golfer and ask why he's so happy. The golfer says, "The temperature is just like Florida in March." The devil isn't happy with the golfer's answer and decides to "get" him, so he goes over to his controls and turns up the temperature to 105 degrees and the humidity to 90%. Afterwards he goes looking for the golfer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil asks the golfer, again, why he's so happy. The golfer replies, "This is even better, it's like playing the Australian open during December." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the golfer suffer. He goes over to the controls and turns the heat up to 115 degrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now let's see what that golfer is up too!" he says as he goes looking for him. He finds the golfer sitting on the floor even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out and asks the golfer why he's so happy. The golfer replies, "This is great, it's just like playing in the U.S. Open!" The Devil, angrily walking away, says to himself, "That's it! I'll get this golfer!" He goes over to his controls and turns the temperature down to a freezing 10 degrees below zero! Within a matter of minutes, the pools of molten brimstone begin to ice over. "Let's see what that golfer has to say about this!" the Devil says to himself. He looks around and finds the golfer jumping up and down for joy and yelling, "CARL JOHNSON HAS WON THE BRITISH OPEN!"
More Golf Rules!
You decide what par is on each hole.
Office Philosophy on Golf (and other lesser "sport" activities)
If you are participating in an office
"sporting" event you are not expected to take vacation time. Go,
have fun, blow off some steam, build some camaraderie, and when you come
back work really hard. You are invited to fully participate in, or
initiate and lead, any routine and appropriate sport activity for purposes
of team building, health, and fitness. Since my "experience" is
with golf I'll restrict my comments to that pursuit.
There were two couples who played golf
together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the
second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women,
Mrs. Nesmith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always
hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water. Her friend in
the group suggested that she might want to see a hynotherapist that could be
of help in this situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four
After her game of golf
a lady player offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully
accepted, and when they arrived at her house he carried her clubs inside.
The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.
A young golfer thought he could get in 9 holes after work. Just as he was going to tee off an 80 year old man approached and asked if he could join him. The young man didn't want to be rude, so he said sure. They got to the 7th hole and the young golfer was directly behind a large tree and didn't know which side to shoot from; the old golfer said, "When I was young I just went right over the top of the tree". So the young man did just that and his ball hit the tree and dropped right down in front of him. He said, "That sure didn't work". The old golfer said," Well when I did it the tree was only 6 feet tall".
A man takes the day off work and decides
to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting
next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man takes his winnings and buys the
best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever
grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
A little old lady owned a home beside the
fifth fairway, and stray golf balls were always landing in her back yard.
Instead of getting angry, she removed the fence along the boundary, invited
the golfers onto her property, showed them where their ball was located, and
encouraged them to take their next shot from that spot. Even when they
missed and dug deep divots in her lawn, she would tell them to go ahead and
take another swing.
A boss happened by the local golf course and saw one of his absentee employees about to drive his ball off the first tee. "How are you doing Don?" he said to the embarrassed worker. The then turned to the other man who was playing with him and said, "And you must be Don's grandmother. Tell me, are you feeling better?"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.
"Is the word spelled 'p-u-t'
A golfer was being forced to listen to this guy brag about his golf game when he was hit by a golf ball and knocked unconscious. When he came to, he stammered, "What happened?" "I was just telling you about my game when you were hit by a ball," the braggart said, and then he continued his story. The injured golfer immediately clasped his hands. "What are you doing?" the braggart asked. "Praying for another golf ball," the golfer replied.
This fellow's wife constantly berated him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup. The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clips a tree, sideswipes the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."