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GOLF HUMOR (10)

Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor used in this portion of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

God, Jesus and Saint Peter were playing a round of golf. They came up to a long dog-leg par 5 around a lake. Saint Peter laid up on his drive to avoid the water. Jesus tees off next and also lays up. God tees off and drives the lake, his ball comes up well short and gets wet. Another golfer who had watched their tee shots walks up and asks Jesus, "Who does he think he is God?" Jesus replies, "No Jack Nicklaus."

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course. On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll.

Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming. "Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about."

President Clinton showed up at his favorite country club for his weekly round of golf with Al Gore, James Carvel, and Lanny Davis, the President's most articulate "spin doctors" and was immediately surrounded by 6 prospective caddies.

The President, happy for the attention and recognizing that they were future voters (for his wife's run at the Presidency), reminded the caddies that only one of them could caddy for the foursome.

One of the caddies stepped forward and remarked, "We know, Mr. President, that only one of us can caddy for your group, so we set up a contest. The one who tells the biggest lie will have the honor of being the caddy."

The President quickly replied, "You young men shouldn't be having a contest telling lies", he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute speech that began with, "Don't you know it's a sin to lie", and ending with, "Why, when I was a young man your ages, I NEVER told a lie."

There was a dead silence for a brief moment. Just as the President was beginning to think that he'd gotten through to the caddies, the youngest caddy took a deep breath and, looking directly at the President, said...

"OK Mr. President, you can caddy."

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'S#*T!"

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Father O'Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover." Came the reply, "It's the biggest ... dam I know."

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

An old man is playing a round of golf with his wife, and they both hit into huge bunkers on the side of the green. He hits out, and realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells over to his elderly, hard of hearing wife, and says, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures...points to his eye, then points to his knee.... and finally makes a raking motion. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE."

The wife finally understands and signals back. She first points to her eye.... next she points to her left breast.....then she points to her butt.... and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close to understanding that one. Exasperated, he goes over and asks her "What in the hell was that?"

She replies, EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH.

Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone. "Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers. "Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazardů"

"Some people have to give up golf, because they can't get the swing of it."

"He put so many balls in the water, they named a lake after him."

"He loves wine, women, and song. He's already tried golf."

An 8 year-old boy and his 6 year-old brother were playing golf with their friends and practicing both their game and their swearing. The older boy suggests after the game it is time they introduce their parents to their new talent. He tells his little brother, "When we go back to the clubhouse I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 6 year-old readily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves in the club house for snacks their mother came in and asked how the game was. The 8 year-old replies, "Hell, Mom, it was good except I got a triple bogie."

The surprised mother reacts with a swift whack on the boy's bottom and tells him to go to the car. The boy runs off crying and rubbing his backside. With a sterner voice, the mother asks her younger son how his game was. The boy replies, "Ok, but you can sure bet your ass I did not get a triple bogie!"

Three golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives. The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven. The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most ot the time she beat me but I never cheated ." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven.

A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard."

Wife: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - -

HUSBAND: Uh-Oh!

IN MY HAND I HOLD A BALL,
WHITE AND DIMPLED, RATHER SMALL.
OH, HOW BLAND IT DOES APPEAR,
THIS HARMLESS LOOKING LITTLE SPHERE

BY IT'S SIZE I COULD NOT GUESS,
THE AWESOME STRENGTH IT DOES POSSESS.
BUT SINCE I FELL BENEATH ITS SPELL,
I'VE WANDERED THROUGH THE FIRES OF HELL.

MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN QUITE THE SAME,
SINCE I CHOSE TO PLAY THIS GAME.
IT RULES MY MIND FOR HOURS ON END,
A FORTUNE IT HAS MADE ME SPEND.

IT HAS MADE ME CURSE AND CRY,
I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE.
IT PROMISES A THING CALLED PAR,
IF I CAN HIT IT STRAIGHT AND FAR.

TO MASTER SUCH A TINY BALL,
SHOULD NOT BE VERY HARD AT ALL.
BUT MY DESIRES THE BALL REFUSES,
AND DOES EXACTLY AS IT CHOOSES.

IT HOOKS AND SLICES, DRIBBLES AND DIES,
OR DISAPPEARS BEFORE MY EYES.
OFTEN IT WILL HAVE A WHIM,
TO HIT A TREE OR TAKE A SWIM.

WITH MILES OF GRASS ON WHICH TO LAND,
IT FINDS A TINY PATCH OF SAND.
THEN HAS ME OFFERING UP MY SOUL,
IF ONLY IT WOULD FIND THE HOLE.

IT'S MADE ME WHIMPER LIKE A PUP,
AND SWEAR THAT I WILL GIVE IT UP.
AND TAKE TO DRINK TO EASE MY SORROW,
BUT THE BALL KNOWS...

I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW...

Two postal workers were golfing. "Neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night will keep us from our appointed rounds," said one. "Will you shut up and hit your ball," the other one answered. "It looks like it could rain, and it's getting dark."

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