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Note: To the best of our knowledge the humor contained in this section of Golfer's Dream  is in the public domain.

Fresh Memory

Fred, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."

Golf Quotes

Golf is like faith: it is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Arnold Haultain

Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.
A. A. Milne

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
Chi Chi Rodriguez

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf will.  I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate your enemies.
Will Rogers

Golf is a wonderful exercise.  You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
Will Rogers

It is nothing new or original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time.  But it took me many years to realize it.
Bobby Jones

I'm not sure that the most talented player I ever saw wasn't myself.
Johnny Miller

I don't think television work has screwed up my golf.  I've pretty much taken care of that on my own.
Curtis Strange

Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out of doors.
Paul O'Neil

Every golfer has a little monster in him, it's just that type of sport.
Fuzzy Zoeller

Golf has humbled, humiliated, and just about licked all the great athletes I ever knew that tried it.
Early "Red" Blaik

There are certain things you don't believe in.  The Easter Bunny, Campaign promises, The Abominable Snowman, A husband with lipstick on his collar, and a guy who tells you he score a 59 on his own ball- out of town of course!
Jim Murray

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he play golf.  It is almost a law.
H. G. Wells

Golf is not a game of good shots.  It's a game of bad shots.
Ben Hogan

Golf is a plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for man's sins.  As General Eisenhower discovered, it is easier to end the Cold War or stamp out poverty than to master this devilish pastime.
James Reston

Golf is not a funeral, although both can be very sad affairs.
Bernard Darwin


A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

Planning Ahead

"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"

"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.

"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.

"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.

"Of course I do, lamb." he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."

"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.

"Yes," replied the trapped husband.

"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.

"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.

"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."

"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."

Heavenly Golf

A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. "Right over here we have our very own golf course!" said the angel.

"Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?!" they both exclaimed.

"Sure," said the angel.

So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the rough. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.

The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong.

"I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"

No way

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Bye bye

"My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."

"What are you going to do?"

"Miss her like hell."


A wife was becoming quite worried because her husband had not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours passed she became more and more nervous. Finally, at about 8 p.m., her husband's golfing partner, Bob pulled into the driveway.

"What happened? You guys should have been back hours ago! Where's Frank?" asked the wife.

"Well, you see," replied Bob, "Frank had a heart attack at the third hole. Now don't worry, I took him to the hospital and he's going to be fine."

"Oh, my God, that's terrible, my poor Frank, to think about how he must have been suffering through all that pain," sobbed the wife.

"Oh?" Bob responded, "you think HE had it bad? What about me? How do you think I feel? Do you think I had it easy? All day long it was...
"...hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank..."


My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"

"Certainly not, dear" she replied.

"Well, neither would he."

Golf Quotes

A ball will always come to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the bottom.
Henry Beard

There is an old saying: If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot.
Sam Snead

What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water hole?
Bruce Lansky

Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the golf course.
Billy Graham

Golf is a game of expletives not deleted.
Dr. Irving I. Gladstone

Follow-through:  The part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.
Henry Beard & Roy McKie

If you're going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
Tommy Bolt

I don't enjoy playing video golf because there is nothing to throw.
Paul Azinger

I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter; if you don't count the one I twisted and threw into a bush.
Thomas Boswell

Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.
Peter Dobereiner

Never putt until the cup stops moving.
Bruce Lansky

By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit it that far.
Lewis Grizzard

I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age.  I'm lucky to shoot my weight.
Bruce Lansky

When you get up there in years, the fairways get longer and the holes get smaller.
Bobby Locke

Any game where a man sixty can beat a man thirty ain't no game.
Burt Shotten

If it goes right, it's a slice.  If it goes left, it's a hook.  If it goes straight, it's a miracle.

What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.
Lily Tomlin

In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron.  Not even God can hit a one iron.
Lee Trevino

I'm hitting the woods just great.  But I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.
Harry Toscano


"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."


One Sunday a usually happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and much the worse for wear. 'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded "Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?" The husband wobbled around and slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost had better pack some bags, I even lost you".

The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied "It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4 holes".


There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.

Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.

The distraught husband avoids golf for a year. But he finally recovers, remarries and is playing golf with his new wife. Once again on the 12th hole, he slices his drive to the shack.

His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." "Nah," replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7."

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