Note: To the best of
our knowledge the humor contained in this section of Golfer's Dream is
in the public domain.
Fred, playing as a single
at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the
twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by
himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every
year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept
the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought
certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did
I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
Golf is like faith: it is
the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at
which to be bad.
A. A. Milne
Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
Chi Chi Rodriguez
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like
golf will. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game,
but they say you can get so sore at yourself that you forget to hate
Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for
hours, watching somebody else putt.
It is nothing new or
original to say that golf is played one stroke at a time. But it
took me many years to realize it.
I'm not sure that the most talented player I ever saw wasn't myself.
I don't think television work has screwed up my golf. I've pretty
much taken care of that on my own.
Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out of doors.
Every golfer has a little monster in him, it's just that type of sport.
Golf has humbled, humiliated, and just about licked all the great
athletes I ever knew that tried it.
Early "Red" Blaik
There are certain things
you don't believe in. The Easter Bunny, Campaign promises, The
Abominable Snowman, A husband with lipstick on his collar, and a guy who
tells you he score a 59 on his own ball- out of town of course!
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he play golf. It is almost
H. G. Wells
Golf is not a game of good shots. It's a game of bad shots.
Golf is a plague invented by the Calvinistic Scots as a punishment for
man's sins. As General Eisenhower discovered, it is easier to end
the Cold War or stamp out poverty than to master this devilish pastime.
Golf is not a funeral, although both can be very sad affairs.
A couple whose passion
had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that
brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed
the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she
needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on
Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband.
"Why do you ask such a horrid question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.
"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, lamb." he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact
trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."
"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.
"Yes," replied the trapped husband.
"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a
very long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.
"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly.
"And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding,
"it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."
"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take
down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?,"
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I
suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's
A husband and wife died
and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who
was to show them the place. "Right over here we have our very own
golf course!" said the angel.
"Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?!" they both
"Sure," said the angel.
So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had
ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the
rough. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness,
but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong.
"I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're
together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf
course ever! What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years
A guy stood over his tee
shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring
the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his
partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking
so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the
clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of
hitting her from here!"
"My wife says she's
leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"Miss her like hell."
WHO SUFFERED MORE?
A wife was becoming quite
worried because her husband had not arrived home on time from his
regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours passed she became
more and more nervous. Finally, at about 8 p.m., her husband's golfing
partner, Bob pulled into the driveway.
"What happened? You guys should have been back hours ago! Where's
Frank?" asked the wife.
"Well, you see," replied Bob, "Frank had a heart attack
at the third hole. Now don't worry, I took him to the hospital and he's
going to be fine."
"Oh, my God, that's terrible, my poor Frank, to think about how he
must have been suffering through all that pain," sobbed the wife.
"Oh?" Bob responded, "you think HE had it bad? What about
me? How do you think I feel? Do you think I had it easy? All day long it
"...hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank..."
My wife asked me why I
don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue
to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other
groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are
trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."
A ball will always come
to rest halfway down a hill, unless there is sand or water at the
There is an old saying: If a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and
cockleburs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot.
What's the point of washing off your ball when teeing off on a water
Actually, the Lord
answers my prayers everywhere except on the golf course.
Golf is a game of expletives not deleted.
Dr. Irving I. Gladstone
part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but
before the club has been thrown.
Henry Beard & Roy McKie
If you're going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of
you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to
pick it up.
I don't enjoy playing video golf because there is nothing to throw.
I may be the only golfer
never to have broken a single putter; if you don't count the one I
twisted and threw into a bush.
Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.
Never putt until the cup stops moving.
By the time a man can
afford to lose a golf ball, he can't hit it that far.
I don't think I'll live long enough to shoot my age. I'm lucky to
shoot my weight.
When you get up there in years, the fairways get longer and the holes
Any game where a man sixty can beat a man thirty ain't no game.
If it goes right, it's a
slice. If it goes left, it's a hook. If it goes straight,
it's a miracle.
What goes up must come
down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.
In case of a
thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron.
Not even God can hit a one iron.
I'm hitting the woods just great. But I'm having a terrible time
getting out of them.
TO NAG OR NOT TO NAG
up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll
drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a
One Sunday a usually
happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and much the
worse for wear. 'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded
"Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?"
The husband wobbled around and slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost
everything...you had better pack some bags, I even lost you".
The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied
"It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4
HELP ME HONEY!
There was a man who
enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up with taking in a
round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he was having an
extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a
grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the
green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack and there
was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to
Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other
side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to
the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. His wife had
been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through. After a
moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what
he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband cracked a three-wood
that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.
The distraught husband avoids golf for a year. But he finally recovers,
remarries and is playing golf with his new wife. Once again on the 12th
hole, he slices his drive to the shack.
His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that
shed, I think you could play through." "Nah," replied the
man, "Last time I did that I took a 7."