Cheating With Integrity! Yes, it can be done.

CHEATING WITH INTEGRITY!(?)

Winning at golf is an art. Ask any winner, but be careful about how you approach them with the subject as it can turn them red in the face and boil-up the anger inside them - BIG TIME! Some winners are embarrassed about how they win, because friends, it ain’t all skill and knowledge...or luck!

I have taken the liberty of saving you the possibility of an unfriendly encounter, and possibly a black eye by finding out just how they manage to win all the time - right in front of God and everybody. Now I want you to pay attention to these valuable lessons and win, win, win. Winners get all of the attention, you know. Nobody interviews a loser.

LESSON 1. To have a chance to win all of the tournaments, you gotta have a big handicap. Figure out what you want your handicap to be, then put scores in the handicap high enough to calculate to that handicap. For instance, if you want a stroke on every hole (18 handicap) add 20 to par and post a 92 average. Since the pro usually makes players play with 80% of their handicap, add 20% to it. Don’t ever post anything lower or you may wind up with a 15 or 16, and wouldn’t get a shot on two to three holes. Think about that.

LESSON 2. During any match, plan ahead and try to keep score yourself. Just to be sure you don’t cheat yourself, subtract a stroke or two here and there before you put the scores down. If you make a mistake writing your score down, you may notice that there’s no eraser on the golf pencil. That’s by design and on purpose. Even the manufacturers of the golf pencils know why. But, there is one marvelous reality about the American decimal system. A one can be turned into a four, a six can easily become an eight, a nine can become an eight, a three can become an eight and so on. You’re only interested in high digits that can become lower digits, but there aren’t any low enough to help. Think about that.

LESSON 3. NEVER play an orange, yellow or pink ball. The majority of balls are white, and it’s near impossible to cheat using a colored ball. Besides, most people think you’re strange if you play with a colored ball. Think about that.

LESSON 4. KNOW WHEN TO CHEAT. It’s hard to cheat on the tee. Everybody’s watching. But once you get to your ball it’s a different story. Everyone is so worried about finding their own ball that they don’t watch what else is going on. Think ahead. Take a ball with you to look for yours. Behind a tree, eh? Take a peek at where everyone else is, walk around like you’re looking for it, then walk right over it and give it a kick with your foot. The side of the foot drag is the best method if you have the time. Be careful not to get the ball airborne. If you don’t find it, now, any good pair of golf pants will have a big hole in one pocket, just big enough for a golf ball to zing through. Since you brought a ball with you, switch pockets with it and let it drop right through the hole in your pocket, down your pants leg and out to the ground. I hope you find a good open-grassy-clear shot place to stand before you switch pockets. If you drop it on a rock and it bounces high up in the air, you’re caught. Ever notice people carrying an extra ball in their back pocket or their shirt pocket? Think about that.

BE COOL. When you’re looking in the woods for your ball, look only in the open-shot areas, as you’re unlikely to find another ball, hit it, then switch later. Nobody checks your ball every shot. But don’t hit a white one into the woods - and an orange one out. Think about that.

LESSON 5. When you get in the sand, it’s easy. You’re ball is usually out of sight of the other players, as they move back out of your way so they won’t get hit in the mouth. You can’t ground your club, but nobody watches your feet, so with your foot rake a big crevice out in front of your ball to make it easy to hit it close to the pin. Be careful not to dig too deep in the trap, as you may uncover the last turkey that tried this. Think about that.

LESSON 6. When you get to the green you can really pull ahead. If you’re the first one on the green, and nobody’s watching, pick your ball up, take a couple of giant steps toward the flag, and put your mark down. People have also been known to switch balls with the best shot. Here’s how! Just mark all of the balls, and claim the closest mark. Even if everyone is watching you when you mark your ball, they don’t pay much attention to your marking procedure. Scoot it up a few inches when you mark it, then when you place it, place it a few inches ahead of the mark before you pick up the mark. After two marks, it oughtta be a gimme, or you’ve done something wrong. Master this one lesson and you can win, win, win. Think about that.

You know what’s really pathetic? A student of mine that uses all of these win tactics without getting caught - and still loses! Think about that!